Me. At least after what I've been through.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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