i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
