Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
