I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
