I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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