Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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