Just fell off a train. Bad.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
