were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
