We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You're a disaster
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