Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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