The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
