Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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