He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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