You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
