I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
