$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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