i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
