it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
