I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You can't special order awesome
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
