I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Houston, we have a squirter
Can vaginas get frostbite?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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