I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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