Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
