I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
