Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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