My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
