Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
