my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
