this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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