We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
