now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
