would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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