Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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