Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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