I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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