dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
