Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
