If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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