Whatcha textin bout Willis?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
