I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
