Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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