im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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