I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
