My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
