Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
