I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
