dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
