Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
