I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
