my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
