I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
