I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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